How to Cope When a Family Member is in Hospice

Posted on March 19, 2025 by Patrick Hercules

Hospice care or end-of-life care is specialized care that provides physical comfort alongside emotional, social, and spiritual support for people nearing the end of life.

The grief we experience while coping with a dying loved one is different than what we experience after someone has died.

Here are some strategies to help both the patient and their loved ones during hospice care:

Understand your grief

Anticipatory grief is the deep sadness felt during the last days of life. It can be felt by both the patient and their loved ones.

Feeling grief while your loved one is still alive doesn’t mean you are abandoning your loved one or giving up. Instead, anticipatory grief can give you a chance to gain meaning and closure you might not have had otherwise.

You may feel like you are somewhere between holding on and letting go. Some people find this very painful. They may feel like they are betraying their loved one if they lean towards letting go. The truth is that it is possible to live with both holding on and letting go simultaneously. You don’t have to choose.

Let yourself feel and grieve

Everyone grieves and responds differently to news about a terminal diagnosis. Anticipatory grief can begin as soon as you’re told a loved one may die soon. You could also experience a delay as you process the information about your loved one’s diagnosis.

Let yourself feel the pain. This helps you to be honest and true with yourself.

Anticipatory grief is not just grief for the coming death of a loved one. It is also grief for other losses that go along with death, such as:

The loss of a companion
The loss of shared memories
The loss of dreams for the future

Sometimes, grief from the past can resurface during this time.

Denying the pain you are feeling can prolong the grief you feel later on. Grief serves a purpose, whether it occurs before or after death.

Researchers have identified four phases and tasks of grief. They include:

Accepting the impending loss
Working through the pain
Adjusting to a new reality where your loved one is absent
Connecting to your departed loved one differently as you move forward

Implementing these tasks doesn’t mean you should give up on your loved one or forget them. Instead, these tasks will help you hold onto the joy and love you once shared. They can also help temper the deep sadness that may make remembering painful.

Don’t go it alone: Express your pain

Trying to stay strong when a parent or loved one is dying can be challenging. Always give yourself permission to feel sad or ask for support from other people in your life.

It is important to let yourself feel your pain. However, many people find it hard to express grief before death. They may feel they are being unsupportive of their loved one. Talking to a trusted friend is a good way to cope with these feelings.

One huge difference between anticipatory grief and the grief you feel after someone dies is that there is often more anger in anticipatory grief. You may also find it more difficult to control your emotions.

Find a friend who doesn’t judge and will let you express anger. This person should be a good listener and should not try to “fix things” or tell you how you should feel.

There is no easy fix for your emotions. However, a good listener can help you feel less alone.

Spend time with your dying loved one

People sometimes talk about how difficult it is to spend time with a dying loved one because they may not want to remember them as they were dying. They may want to remember how the person was before instead.

Spending time with a dying loved one is important for many people. This isn’t just true for the person who is dying, but also for their close loved ones. If you decide not to visit your loved one, you may regret it later.

Find meaningful ways to spend time together. Share old photographs or keepsakes. If possible, ask your loved one to share stories about themselves, family heirlooms, and other possessions. You may find reminiscing to be healing.

Try journaling

Keeping a journal can be healing. It can help you express things you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with a friend. A journal can be a place to record thoughts you had around the time of your loved one’s death.

You can also try writing letters. A letter to your dying loved one may also help you say all the things you’ve been wanting to say.

Take advantage of holistic methods of coping

A holistic approach may be helpful for both the person dying and their loved ones. “Holistic” means treating the whole person, including their mental and emotional health. Some of these therapies have been found to help with emotions like anxiety.

A holistic approach can help bring hope and healing to those grieving. Some examples include:

Guided imagery
Meditation
Art therapy
Massage therapy
Qigong, a Chinese practice of meditation and breathing
Music therapy

Nurture your spirituality

Spirituality is important for those who are dying and for their caregivers. Spirituality can take many forms, including:

Organized religion and prayer
Meditation
Communing with nature
Listening to music that is meaningful to you

Studies have shown that people have a better quality of life in their last days if they have an active spiritual life. Caregivers may also experience less depression if their dying loved one has an active spiritual life.

Maintain a sense of humor

There isn’t much room for humor when someone is dying. However, in the right setting, humor can sometimes be healing. One review found a strong benefit of humor in the end-of-life setting. Humor can benefit the person dying and their loved ones.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness can be healing. Learning to forgive yourself is just as important as forgiving others.

The time before death is very emotional. There may be anger and resentment among family members. However, it is also a time to resolve differences.

Listening is an important first step toward forgiveness. Sometimes, two people can say the same things, but in different ways. At other times, you may continue to disagree with what your loved one is saying even after talking it through. When this happens, ask yourself this question: “Is it more important to love or to be right?”

Letting go of resentment and pain from the past can be freeing. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

Give your loved one permission to die

Sometimes a dying person can live until a specific moment. Some people seem to wait until after a loved one says goodbye. This goodbye can act as permission to die. This can be helpful for the dying person and their loved ones. A goodbye can be a beautiful gift.

Anticipatory grief is a common experience. There are many ways to cope with anticipatory grief, but everyone grieves differently. It is important to allow yourself to grieve.

All content of this newsletter is intended for general information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please consult a medical professional before adopting any of the suggestions on this page. You must never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking medical treatment based upon any content of this newsletter. PROMPTLY CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN OR CALL 911 IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

Honoring A Son’s Legacy

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Xavia Malcolm

Jamaica hospital hospice One day in 2016, Jacqueline Messina received a phone call no mother wants to receive. Her son Anthony was in the ICU and she needed to come to Jamaica Hospital.

When she arrived she couldn’t believe her eyes. Anthony was sedated and on a ventilator. He was not the 24-year-old boisterous young man she knew; he was unresponsive. While they hoped and prayed daily with Father Andre that he would wake up and return to his family after rehabilitation, the prognosis grew worse as the days past. His brain injuries were escalating versus improving. The hospital’s Palliative Care team came to visit her in the ICU and she completely went silent. Jacqueline had no idea what the words “palliative care” even meant.

“It was an extremely difficult moment for our family. Who anticipates palliative and hospice care? We sat his brothers down and explained the next steps, but in our hearts, we were still confused about how his life was ending, a parent never imagines this.” One additional factor was Anthony’s grandmother. “They were so close and she was diagnosed with breast cancer the day of his accident,” shared Jacqueline. “I remember us trying to be strong for her despite my heart breaking because I was worried about how losing Anthony would affect her health and upcoming treatment.”

“I am not sure we could have endured this experience on our own. Thankfully we had the support of everyone on Jamaica Hospital’s hospice unit. They did so much to help my husband and boys as well as Anthony’s grandmother. They made sure the rest of our family and friends were well cared for,” she said.

Hours before his passing, Anthony was admitted to Jamaica Hospital’s Ferrara Family Center for Hospice Care after being transferred from the ICU. Jacqueline did not know what to expect, “I was anxious at first. I must have asked a million questions.”

Jacqueline’s anxieties subsided when she was greeted by a warm staff that addressed her concerns and treated her with compassion. They ensured her that Anthony was in good hands and they would do everything they could to make him comfortable. “The level of service we received was outstanding. The staff did more than what was needed during his time with us and after. They were amazing,” said Jacqueline.

Jacqueline Messina

The staff’s devotion to Anthony and his family inspired Jacqueline to give back. She donates to the hospice every year in honor of her son’s legacy. “When Anthony died, I wanted to make sure others had the same comfort that he did. This is why I work hard every year to accumulate volunteer hours of which my company Bloomberg L.P. converts into funds for charity. The program is called “Dollars for Your Hours” and I proudly support the Ferrara Family Center for Hospice Care with this gift,” shared Jacqueline.

The Ferrara Family for Hospice Care provides comfort care for those with life-limiting illnesses. Great pride is taken by their staff in providing patients and families with quality medical services as well as the emotional and spiritual support needed to help them through a challenging time.

To donate to the Ferrara Family Center for Hospice Care, please visit https://jamaicahospital.org/ways-to-give/

Dr’s Tips: Ways to Cope With The Loss of a Loved One During the Holidays

Posted on December 21, 2017 by Jamaica Hospital Medical Center

For many, the holidays are the time of year when we hope to create new and happy memories while spending quality time with the people we love. We aim to enjoy the positive feelings the season brings.

For those who have experienced a loss, the holidays may not feel as blissful. It is the time of year that they miss their loved one the most, and the traditional indicators (decorations, parties, etc.) of the season can cause them to feel sad or alone. These emotions can become increasingly overwhelming, making it difficult to cope with grief.

While everyone handles grief differently, there are practical things they can do to help them cope with a sense of loss during the holidays. Dr. Gina Basello, Associate Director of the Hospice and Palliative Medicine Fellowship and Vice Chair of the Department of Family Medicine at Jamaica Hospital Medical Center, advises, “Dealing with the loss of a loved one is challenging and the pain can be overwhelming. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are healthy ways to cope with that pain.” Here are a few of Dr. Basello’s recommendations:

Allow yourself to feel- There are various emotions associated with grief. After losing a loved one you may feel, sad, angry or helpless. Don’t feel bad if happy things make you feel unhappy. Whatever your emotions are, recognize them and accept them as part of your grieving process.
Express how you feel- Acknowledging your emotions is a great first step. Now that you have identified how you feel, you should express those feelings. Talking to a friend, family member or a trusted health professional is helpful. Do not be afraid or embarrassed to ask for their support; they can help with your healing process.
Take care of yourself- Now is the time that you should be most in touch with your mental and physical health. If you are experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression for prolonged periods of time, seek help right away from loved ones or a mental health professional. Staying on top of your physical health can also help you through this time; exercise, eat a healthy diet and get adequate amounts of sleep.
Create new traditions –Creating new traditions in memory of loved ones can help you stay positive and can provide opportunities to find meaningful ways to remember those you have lost.

The holidays can certainly be a difficult after experiencing a loss. Paying attention to the way you feel and applying these positive approaches to coping can help you through the season. However, if you continue to feel overwhelmed, do not hesitate to seek the assistance of a professional who is trained to help during your time of bereavement.

Planning End of Life Care

Posted on June 1, 2017 by Xavia Malcolm

Planning for end of life is difficult but also necessary. Taking the time to prepare for this stage of life can help you and loved ones with making challenging decisions about your care that may arise in the future.

When planning your end-of-life care it is important to consider what your wishes are and how they should be carried out. Your wishes typically reflect your personal concerns, values or beliefs. A few questions to ponder during this process are:

How will religious or spiritual beliefs be honored?
If possible, would you rather last moments to be at your home?
How do you feel about life-prolonging measures, such as resuscitation, ventilators or life support?

Once you have come up with a plan of care, it is recommended that you write instructions or advance directives in a document to record your end -of-life wishes and provide guidance for loved ones.

Choosing a family member or loved one to be your healthcare proxy is usually the next step in planning your end-of-life care. It is important that you communicate to them your wishes so that they can make desired decisions on your behalf. These requirements should also be shared with your physician or medical team.

If you are unable to designate a person to carry out your wishes, you can give specific instructions by writing a living will. According to The National Institutes of Health (NIH Senior Health), “A living will records your end-of-life care wishes in case you are no longer able to speak for yourself. It spells out what life-sustaining treatment you do or do not want if you are terminally ill, permanently unconscious, or in the final stage of a fatal illness. You may wish to meet with your health care provider before preparing a living will to discuss treatment options for a variety of medical situations.”

To receive further information about planning end –of-life care, Jamaica Hospital Medical Center’s Palliative Care Division recommends utilizing comprehensive resources such as The Conversation Project. The organization provides a starter kit, “as a useful tool to help people have conversations with their family members or other loved ones about their wishes regarding end-of-life care.” For more information, visit www.theconversationproject.org.

Helping Your Children Cope With Loss

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Michael Hinck

Coping with the loss of a loved one is difficult for most adults, so imagine how hard the process must be for children. How do we explain death and help them get through it?

How much a child understands about death and how they grieve depends on a number of factors including their age, stage of development, life experiences, temperament and personality. While recognizing that an individualized approach to helping children with the grieving process, here is some general information about how children of different ages process death.

• Young children, ages 5-6 years old have a hard time comprehending death. They only understand the world in literal terms. Try to keep explanations very simple and avoid euphemisms, such as the deceased loved one “went away” or “is sleeping” as it might confuse or scare them.

• After age six and up until approximately age ten, kids begin to grasp the finality of death, even if they don’t realize it’s natural for every living thing to die at some point. They also might not understand why death occurs and may think that they have some control over it. At this age, it is best to provide children with accurate and honest explanations.

• As children become teenagers, they begin to understand that all life ultimately comes to an end and there is no avoiding it. At this point they begin to have questions about their own mortality and vulnerability. The best thing to do as a parent is to encourage them to grieve and express their feelings.

Regardless of how old they are, there are a few suggestions that all parents should follow when trying to help a child deal with loss. Experts urge parents to be honest and encourage questions, even if they don’t have all the answers. Create an atmosphere of comfort and openness and send a message that there is no right or wrong way to feel. If you have spiritual beliefs, it is okay to share them with your child as well.

The choice of whether or not to have your child attend a funeral or memorial service is a personal one. If you do allow them to attend, explain beforehand what they will encounter. Share information on religious customs that might be practiced at a service as well. Many parents worry about exposing their children to their own emotional grief, but permitting them to see you in pain shows them that crying is a natural reaction to pain and loss.

While most children do not grieve in the same manner as adults, it is important for parents to watch for signs that a child needs help coping with loss. If your child’s behavior changes radically, seek help. Doctors, guidance counselors, and mental health professionals can all provide assistance. You can also research books and websites for additional tips to help your child manage their grief.

Jamaica Hospital offers a comprehensive Palliative Care Service that assists patients and their families, including children, by providing psychological support and bereavement counseling. For more information, please call 718-206-6919.