Dealing with Loss During the Holiday Season

The holiday season is a time filled with joy and happiness. But it can also be full of sadness and grief, especially when you are struggling with the loss of a loved one.  

It can be very challenging to deal with grief during the holiday season, as seasonal events and holiday traditions can serve as a reminder of what has been lost, which can magnify a person’s sense of loss and sorrow. The happiness of others can make those who are grieving feel isolated and alone.  

However, seasonal events and holiday traditions can also serve as comforting rituals that allow those who are grieving an opportunity to connect with family and friends, focus on cherished memories, and try to recapture their sense of joy.  

If you are mourning the loss of loved ones this holiday season, here are some ways to help cope with your grief: 

• Do what feels right for you, as you are not obligated to participate in any activities that don’t feel doable. Create realistic expectations for yourself and others, but it is important to be gentle and kind to yourself. However, holiday activities could be a good distraction that brings joyful feelings and good memories.  

• Accept whatever you are feeling. Everyone grieves and mourns differently. Some people may try to avoid the pain and sad feelings, while others may feel every emotion. Some people may feel bad if they aren’t up to enjoying the holiday, and others may feel guilty because they are feeling joyful. A person may cycle through these feelings throughout the season.  

• Get support for your emotions and grief. Talking with family and friends about your emotions and mental health needs. It is important to be honest about how you would like to do things this year. If you would like to talk about those who have passed, then do so, and let others know that it is okay. If you are participating in a holiday activity, let people know that you may bow out quickly if it becomes too much for you, and if possible, have a friend there to support you.  

• Put the focus on children in the family. Many of the activities we participate in during the holidays place special attention on children, and it may be helpful to focus on them during this difficult time. It is important to recognize that the choices you make in regard to how you get through the holidays may affect the children in the family. They may not understand why you don’t want to join family festivities if you withdraw. If you participate in activities that are important to them, you could allow yourself to feel their joy and excuse yourself when you have reached your limit. 

• Sometimes, the anticipation of the holiday is worse than the actual holiday itself. Planning comforting activities ahead of time to give you something to look forward to, instead of building up the anxiety of the pain that the holiday could bring. It is important to make sure to include breaks for quiet grounding time and rest in your plans. An emotion like grief can drain your energy, so you may feel worn out more easily than usual. Add music, rest, meditation, prayer, rest, journaling, a walk, a comforting movie, and other downtime to your holiday activities.  

• In moments of grief and loss, we can feel paralyzed by the intense emotions such as sadness, anger, or resentment, and sometimes relief can be found by giving to others. Focusing on others instead of yourself and taking action that makes a difference can help broaden our perspectives. Honor a loved one that you’ve lost by donating in their name to a charity or cause that they cherished, or buy something that symbolizes them or what you shared to donate to a family in need. You can also try volunteering to help people in a way that is related to what caused the pain you’re feeling. Some examples include: 

• If you have lost someone to suicide, you can volunteer for a depression or suicide hotline 

• If a hospital or nursing home took good care of your loved one, bring holiday gift baskets and cards for the staff 

• If you were a caregiver for your loved one who has passed, you know how hard it is to do caregiving during the holidays. Consider supporting a caregiver you know with a gift, a meal, or some practical help 

• It can be helpful to participate in holiday rituals that acknowledge and honor the memory of someone who has passed, especially if it relates directly to their interests. Some ideas include: 

• Light candles 

• Talk or write about the person on social media 

• Donate children’s toys or books 

• Dedicate a prayer or religious service to the loved one’s memory 

• Plant a tree in memory of the deceased in your own yard or in a forest 

• Make a card or write a holiday letter with the person’s picture 

• It is important not to hesitate to ask for help or accept help and support when it is offered to you. Let others host, cook, or handle the organization of activities, so you don’t have to take on everything yourself. Others can help you with decorating, shopping, shipping packages or cards, wrapping gifts, driving you to any family gatherings and parties, or getting your home ready for visitors. 

• Losing loved ones that you have celebrated with for a long time can make it feel like the yearly celebrations will never be the same again. In some ways, they won’t be the same, and accepting this will help you manage your expectations. It is important to remember that different isn’t always bad. If it is possible, embrace the difference and acknowledge that there can still be joy in your life. Starting new activities that don’t have specific memories tied to a loved one may make it easier. Activities that may create new memories could include: 

• Holding a virtual family gathering 

• Planning a family movie night 

• Try a new recipe for the holiday menu 

• Having a new meal delivered from a grocery store or restaurant 

• Volunteer to serve meals at a shelter for people without homes 

• If you feel that participating in holiday activities will be too much for you and you would like to withdraw, let your family and friends know before doing so. However, plan comforting alternative activities for yourself and let someone know what you will be doing. It is a good idea to make sure someone checks in with you regularly, especially on the actual holiday. Grieving is something that is very personal. No one can tell you how to grieve or how long it may take. Life without a loved one who has passed away will never be the same, but you will get through this. 

Losing a cherished loved one is always difficult. Celebrating birthdays, holidays, or any happy moments and milestones without a loved one who has passed away can put a damper on observing them. When participating in holiday activities and celebrations, remember the good times you shared with them. It is also important to note that there is no specific way to grieve because everyone grieves differently. There is also no timeline for healing. Take time for yourself when you need to, and ask for help and support when you need it.  

If you or a loved one is struggling with a loss, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.  

You can also call or text the 988 Lifeline to speak with a trained live agent. 

If you or a loved one needs the assistance and support of a mental health professional at Jamaica Hospital Medical Center, please call 718-206-5575 to schedule an appointment. 

All content of this newsletter is intended for general information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please consult a medical professional before adopting any of the suggestions on this page. You must never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking medical treatment based upon any content of this newsletter. PROMPTLY CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN OR CALL 911 IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.